I was assisting another class last night with Colin and Amanda. Before class I was pumped, and ready to go. Last week’s class was good, but I wanted to make this week’s class better. A part of me wanted to prove “something” ( I think this is where my issues begin?)
I told myself I was going to start with general form. Where were peoples feet, shoulders, heads, legs, and arms and how could I help them feel the pose a little more but with a simple adjustment? We started off; it was a smaller class this time. I didn’t jump in right away, I tend to take my time and observe what the tendencies of the class are....or this is what I WANT to do.
What’s the problem? Is it too overwhelming? Too many people? (Compared to one on one training) Do I look at Colin as more of my boss than a teacher? Am I jealous that certain things come more natural to Amanda than me? Do people not get my assist? Am I doing too much? Am I doing too little? Why am I not SEEING what you see?
I would say EACH of these things challenges me.
There was a girl at the back who actually asked for my assistance in Dancers. I actually laughed inside and said “REALLY?” however I smiled and jumped right in. She mentioned having issues with her hips popping out on her supportive standing leg while in the pose. I asked her to come into the pose so I could see what she meant. She came into the pose entirely. I asked her to come out a little so she was standing just on the one leg with her arm back. The first step basically. I noticed her left hip (supportive leg) was higher than the right hip. I believe this was due to her hyper extending in her knee as well as collapsing into left hip (hanging out) I asked her to put more muscular energy into her standing leg and her right hip raised level with her left. I had her micro bend her left knee so she was able to really root her femur back and hug into her shins for balance. If she was able to keep this alignment, I asked her to come into the pose a little more but as soon as she felt disintegrated (hip popping out again) she would need to come out and get re-established again. This took all of about 2 minutes. She thanked me and I felt great.
SO...WHY do I doubt myself? Why don’t I believe I can do this? Why am I scared...and what the hell am I scared of?
After class Amanda and I walked out and stood in the front waiting for Colin. I asked Amanda how she felt. She mentioned she felt good...but noticed right away I wasn’t. I told her how I doubted myself. Colin met up with us and asked us how it went. Other than wanting to start balling right there I told him how I felt and he said he knew. “It might have to get real messy before it gets better”....I thought it already did get messy?!? I (along with Colin) KNOW I’m dealing with something...something deep.
HOW do I know what it is? WHY it’s there? HOW to deal with it? WHEN will I know it’s over?
I do know there have been times in my life where I “wanted” things and have been told I wasn’t good enough for it and I would never achieve it. Over the years I’ve proven to MYSELF and many people around me that if I want something BAD enough...I’ll get it AND I’ll rock it! What was the difference? WANT!
Sometimes “Want” just isn’t enough. I believe I already wrote a blog about it so I won’t go into much detail again. I can focus ALL my attention and time into this, but if for one second I have doubt and don’t believe I can attain this...nothing will change.
It brings me to my job back in Vancouver. I wanted that manager position SO badly and truly wanted to change the manner in which that office ran. I worked my ASS off to make a shift and poured my entire soul into it...and in less than 5 months had beyond doubt made a significant difference and pretty much had everything I wanted including the office overlooking the mountains. Although it WAS beyond tiring at times and definitely emotionally stressful...but I never gave up and never doubted myself, my intention or my abilities.
Was it the situation? Was it because I didn’t have a choice in Vancouver and it was the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely?
Ugh now I feel like I’m rambling and this is more of a diary entry than a blog. This is why I get frustrated. My brain hurts from trying to figure this shit out.
Another thing Colin mentioned (in a very stern voice) last night was “Don’t you DARE compare yourself to anyone else” This is something I REALLY need to work on. I’m pretty sure this stems from back in the day issues that maybe haven’t completely healed yet?
BUT...I’ve already said that I’ve proven that I CAN succeed...
Maybe it’s the WANT...am I being truthful with myself? DO I want this? Or am I trying to prove something to someone? Myself? LOTS of people?
Although I truly enjoy teaching what I’ve learned and I felt very secure teaching the family and friend’s karma night, and even in teaching the other teacher trainees. I was a little nervous, but mostly I had fun with it.
Am I ready? Am I scared? What am I scared of?
Not being good enough...Not having the answer...Not being successful. Failure...
CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL! ;)
So...How do you know when you’re ready? I don’t understand how I have demonstrated that I can and do have the ability to DO IT! Why is this any different?
Good things come to those who wait! I’lll keep practicing; I will continue to learn. I’ll work my hardest with proper intention. I’ll go on with working through the feelings, scars and emotions as they arise. Things will shift and it will happen when I AM ready!