Since Colin mentioned to me that he thought I was scared, holding back, not trusting myself, yoga has been that much harder. We met on Thursday before class because of an email I wrote to him asking him to please explain how to I can “fix” this. We talked a lot about the relationship I have with myself while I’m doing yoga. Am I able to surrender? Let go of the aggression? Soften? Trusting that when I’m ready, the teacher will come to me.
This frustration and anxiety has led to me to question my own journey. Am I on the right track...or wasting precious time? Should I have done this now? Or waited until I got the surgery on my feet, as I do feel this is a BIG restrain to my personal goals of being able to surrender during yoga. It’s not that I’m scared...it just HURTS sometimes. I don’t mean the hurt when you’re stretching a muscle; I mean the pain that comes from bone on bone crunching. Over the last 27 years my body has transformed and grown into what’s comfortable and easy, not necessarily what’s right. I’m learning to move all these bones and muscles into places and postures that work with others, and not so well with mine. This is when I get angry and frustrated. It’s so effortless for me to do Dancers pose while wearing stiletto’s then it is while barefoot.
Finding that peaceful relationship with myself has been hard, as mostly I’m angry with myself! WHY are my feet so messed up? WHY can’t you (myself) just do it? Does it make that much of a difference? This is where I see myself looking to others for that competition. She/He can do it...why can’t you. This is NOT where I should, OR want to be.
To start with, I need to build a relationship with myself that allows for modification. I might not be able to do a particular pose “correctly” but as long as I’m expanding, lengthening, and getting what I need from it then I’ll be on the right path. Obviously this is easier said than done. I’m not the “modification” type of person. To me, it’s all or nothing. My way or the highway. This isn’t a good quality to own up to...but it’s me, and the more I’m able to acknowledge it the more I’ll be able to work on altering it.
“To gain that worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else…”